Time Heals All Wounds and Other Ridiculous Notions

Let’s get real. We are barraged with ludicrous and ridiculous notions about life and how to manage through it. I could write a separate book on this topic. For now, let’s talk about a few that directly impact our hurting hearts and authentic healing. Time Heals All Wounds When I hear the sentiment, “Time heals all wounds,” espoused as truth along with other cultural cliches that don’t make sense, I want to shout from rooftop: “Please, stop the madness!”

Time Heals All Wounds. Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. That’s ludicrous. The only thing time does is pass. It is what we choose to do with time that ultimately matters. We can use it wisely, or we can waste it. The choice is ours. While it may be true that our pain eases over time, true healing requires endless effort. It’s not something that magically happens with the passage of time. With tender 48 care, our pain softens, and we learn to live with it differently. It no longer feels like a huge boulder sitting in the middle of our chest, gripping our breath every waking moment. Instead, it becomes a pebble, a reminder that we have loved, a reminder that we carry forward with gentleness and grace.

While studying for my certification to become a holistic life coach, I was given an exercise in time awareness. This particular exercise is designed to debunk the myth that there “aren’t enough hours in the day,” as we often murmur as we scramble through our days. I was guided to account for every thirty minutes of my day. Every single minute, in thirty-minute increments. Yikes.

I was astounded. Did I really want to record that I had spent the last hour scrolling social media, learning what total strangers ate for dinner last night? Did I want to record that I could feel my blood pressure rise as I spent God knows how many minutes writing several replies and deleting them all in response to some dude I don’t even know as he espoused I’m likely going to hell because I’m divorced? Did I want to record that I was spending valuable 49 time scrolling to see if someone had liked a previous post? Did I want to admit in writing that I spent all this time doing nothing while convincing myself I didn’t have time to exercise? No. No, I did not. The result of this exercise was like cold water in my face. I could no longer ignore the reality of how I was wasting precious time.

Worse yet, I was feeling inadequate, worthless and lazy. The truth is, I was not managing myself well. Time was passing as time does. It was not healing my wounds. It was not achieving anything worthwhile. It was being wasted. And I was the one wasting it. With awareness, I made a conscious decision to stop wasting so much time. I became acutely aware of my poor choices, and things started to happen. Like finishing this book! Pure, determined, peaceful energy and action is the force behind making time work best for us, thirty minutes at a time.

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger. When someone tells me, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” I think I may fall over dead from the dagger. I really don’t need to be “stronger.” I’ve had to be “strong” 50 all my freaking life. I’d prefer if someone sees my gaping wound and tells me they see my fragility and vulnerability, all the while encouraging me that I will live through it. I need to hear that it’s okay to feel like my pain is going to kill me and that with time well spent, it will be transformed or healed, and it won’t feel like a continuously oozing bullet wound that just might take my life. I don’t want this pain to be swept under the rug or be dismissed by spiritual or emotional bypassers intent on suggesting I just need to be “strong” to endure it. No, I’m wounded right now. I’d prefer to believe my vulnerability and desire to heal will carry me through it, one painful step at a time. Let’s talk about that.

Things Can Always Be Worse. A dear friend of mine recently told me that when she has shared some of her heartache with loved ones, they responded, “Well, things can always be worse.” This is a woman who lives a “picture-perfect” lifestyle from the outside. She numbs her pain with drugs as a result of it being dismissed under the umbrella of “things can always be worse.” Her pain is buried beneath the idea she should simply be grateful for the life she’s living. Sadly, we tend to 51 shut down pain in others as a way of dismissing our calling to really hear or see it. We should never dismiss pain in another by suggesting “things can always be worse.” When we are in pain, we deserve it to be acknowledged, not shunned or shamed into silence. Worse yet, we should never dismiss our own pain in favor of thinking, “It could always be worse.”

Everything Happens for A Reason. I can’t begin to count the number of times people have said to me, “Well, everything happens for a reason.” It’s usually just after a catastrophic life event has occurred. It’s generally followed with, “We may never know the reason, but there is one.” And then, the real whammy comes. “It’s not ours to question.” Wait. What? If the current pain I may be experiencing right now isn’t enough, now I’m pondering the mysterious, deep, insightful “reason” I was abused as a child, my spouse took a lover, or the love of my life dropped dead in front of me without warning. Well, thanks, but I’d rather not. I’d rather believe that sometimes, “Shit Happens.”

I’ve experienced enough heartache in my life to be quite comfortable in saying, “No! Not everything happens for some mystical, divinely appointed reason.” I’ve been challenged many times by people who firmly believe the opposite. And that’s okay. I realize the stronghold this belief has on our culture, and I also realize the white-knucked response to holding on to this idea. We all want to believe that everything happens for an understandable purpose or reason. Somehow, this platitude is meant to magically help make sense of the nonsensical. But, the burden of reason does not belong to the brokenhearted. It belongs to the Universe, something that we can’t always understand or make sense of. Bearing our grief is challenging enough without feeling the need to examine a deep, unknown, mythical reason for it or the suggestion we should never question it. Sheesh.

God Will Never Put More on Your Shoulders Than You Can Bear. Really? First, I’m not a believer in God orchestrating everything. That simply doesn’t make sense to me. I prefer to 53 believe that Life happens and our faith in something greater than ourselves will bring us comfort as we maneuver through the maze of all of its challenges. Maybe I’m wrong, and God is orchestrating every single little thing that happens in our life at any given moment. Alternatively, I prefer to believe God is far too busy comforting our pain rather than causing it.

One of my favorite authors, Jeff Brown, recently shared this about the subject: “God does not give you more than you can handle. Really? I get that we stay stuff like this because we don’t know what else to say or because we think it actually helps. We don’t want people to give up. We want them to keep on fighting to stay alive. But, honestly, it doesn’t help. Few survivalist mantras do. Because there is more to life than survival at all costs. There is more to life than armoring up and toughing it out in the heart of our suffering. There is also something to be said for healing our way to wholeness. For meeting each other in our woundedness. For embracing the possibility that our trauma is actually a lot more than we can handle. So, next time you feel tempted to tell a trauma 54 survivor, ‘God does not give you more than you can handle,’ try this instead: Something tragic has happened. You should not have to handle it alone. How can I help you to grieve and to heal? Remind them that God is a soft place to land. Remind them that God is compassion in human form.”

I agree and believe with Jeff. He said it way better than I ever could. I love his term “survivalist mantras.” It perfectly sums up that which is used to shut down our emotions and encourage us to “buck up, be strong and move on.” In fact, if you add the phantom sentence, “So, please move on,” to the end of each of the examples given above, you will find it pretty much sums up how these notions contribute to shutting down our emotions. “Everything happens for a reason…..so please move on.” “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….so please move on.” With awareness and willingness, we can change the way we respond to grief, and we can turn the tide from spiritual and emotional bypassing to embracing the difficult and challenging path to true transformation. I encourage you to be aware of how some of these messages can negatively impact you, your well-being and especially your healing. Emotional bypassing can drain your energy. When you are healing, energy is your most important commodity. Don’t let anyone steal it from you in the form of ridiculous notions!