Grab Hold of Your Faith - Or Explore a New One!

Heartache and disappointment can rattle our faith. Nothing can shake it deeper than tragedy, abuse, deep confusion or a broken heart. Just when we may think we are on solid ground, an emotional earthquake hits and rattles us off our faithful foundation. I don’t believe the world is going to turn on its axis or burst into flames if we color outside the lines of our ancestral religious doctrines.

When I was going through a serious identity crisis in my 40s, I was served a crisis of faith as a side dish. I had learned through a casual conversation with my father’s sister that he was not my biological father. A simple suggestion that I wasn’t his daughter because no one else in the family had blonde hair was enough to start a firestorm of uncovering lies that would change the fabric of my life forever. It was a family secret that had been held from me all my life. It turned everything I believed to be true upside down and inside out. I truly didn’t know who I was. I was forced to rebuild my identity and my faith in God.

I grew up in a household that touted the Bible and Christianity as truth, all the while covered by a blanket of keeping secrets and whispered half-truths behind closed doors. As I questioned a God who would allow my parents to drive to church with whiskey sours in hand, followed by emotional and physical beatings following Sunday dinner, my faith in Christianity and my belief in God faltered. When I made an appointment at the age of 15 with our minister to tell him of the abuse I was experiencing at the hands of my parents, he shook his head and declared without question, “You certainly seem to have a vivid imagination.” “What you are telling me cannot possibly be true. Your parents would never behave in the manner you are describing.” I left his office dripping in shame and regret.

If my trusted minister would not believe me, who would? I was reminded of when my stepfather told my mother that I was lying when I had confided in her that he had sexually abused me. She had also dismissed me as having a vivid imagination and a tendency to create lies to splinter and divide. I began to question my own judgment and how God could possibly allow this, given the teaching from the pulpit that He orchestrates everything. I knew I needed to find comfort in an alternative Higher Being – one that was loving, compassionate and knew my heart.

During one of the darkest moments within my identity crisis, I screamed out to the heavens and asked that I be shown some semblance of a graceful, universal, loving, and understanding Being. On my knees, I asked for an undeniable sign for my future and the value of my mere existence. I was in dire emotional pain, and my life depended on it. I was guided by that small, still voice we all have within us to retrieve my Bible and randomly open it. After shuffling through a few closets and drawers and bookshelves to find it, there it was on a bottom shelf. The New Believer’s Bible. I randomly opened it. A particular verse stood out as though it was highlighted in bold, just for me: Jeremiah 29:11-14. “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me. And I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. And I will bring you back from captivity.”

I sat in stunned disbelief. In an instant, I knew I had found a higher being I could trust. A God that is

compassionate, loving, forgiving and wants the best for me. I decided that pivotal day to follow the Divine that created me and all of life’s beauty in its likeness. I consider myself to be divinely and spiritually connected to our Creator, and I nurture that relationship every single day. I am committed to living a spiritual life outside the confines of many religious teachings.

I’ve been challenged many times about my Spiritual beliefs, mostly by Christians. Years ago, as a result of my childhood religious experiences, I embarked on a study of many religions and philosophies. I’m quite comfortable in proclaiming that I believe in many teachings, all rooted in the common denominator of Love. I have a loving and deeply profound connection with Jesus, the Buddha, Zen teachings, and many other Eastern philosophies and religions. Most importantly, I now know and trust that I am cloaked in the love and grace of my Creator. It’s where I find spiritual guidance and comfort, wrapped in undeniable, unconditional love. Whether we refer to our Creator as God, the Universe, Higher Power, or simply Love, matters not. We are all created in the likeness of eternal beauty, love, understanding, compassion, mercy and grace. We are as unique as our DNA. We are all doing the best we can to navigate through this maze called Life. To suggest there is only one way to journey through it seems ludicrous to me.

There has been nothing more comforting to my Spirit than to hold to the universal truth of Love that was borne out of my fears, questions and uncertainty. I’m confident the unknowing - the questions, the uncertainty- is all part of the beauty of Faith. I don’t know what happens when we die. I don’t know if there is a heaven or hell. I’ve become comfortable with not knowing. My faith is in the beauty, renewal and resurrection that resides in each of us and in everything that surrounds us. That’s enough for me, for now.

If your faith is faltering, welcome it as an opportunity to ask questions and seek guidance until you are yet again grounded in the Truth of Love that best serves you. If you are challenged by the well-meaning, main-stream suggestion, “There is only one way to God,” simply nod, smile and respond, “Thank you for sharing.” Then, go about your way of leaning into the comfort of your personal faith. If you are not a faith-based person or you are struggling to find your way, simply wrap yourself in Grace.

While most people associate Grace with religion, the dictionary offers a secular meaning as well. Here’s my favorite: Grace: To confer dignity, honor, mercy, kindness or compassion. Let’s think about what it would look like if we wrapped ourselves in the type of Grace that would allow for deep transformation. For me, Grace can be found in the simplest of things. I love a warm drink, whether it be coffee or tea. Most mornings, I start with the intention of making the best cup of coffee I can make. I enjoy every sip that conjures up, “Oh yes, that’s perfect!” It’s the most delightful start to my day. I also love the comfort of a big warm blanket, a sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks or slippers, my feet curled beneath my thighs as I lose myself in a good movie.

Proper rest and body movement allow me to honor what my body needs. I can cover myself with compassion when the ugly cry comes, and I can handle most anything with dignity, no matter my mood. I am also keenly aware of allowing myself mercy when I make a mistake of any kind. There was a time when I would beat myself up if I made a mistake. No matter how small or large, I would badger and demean myself, having thoughts that no one else would have against me. We all know we can be our own worst enemy. Start paying attention to the way you demean yourself. Replace it with a dose of Grace. Allow Grace to be a warm, soothing blanket over your soul. Curl up with it and allow it to cover you in kindness, mercy, dignity, compassion and honor. Then, pay it forward.